Presenting Bubba and Blanche

Sparrow took me to her grandparents' house on the coast. They are the most precious elderly couple I have ever laid eyes on and extremely hilarious. I told them I was going to immortalize them through MOYT, so here goes...


Me: I got a 16GB SD card on Amazon for $3
Blanche: I think y'all are talking dirty because I don’t know what you're saying.

Bubba: If there’s a fire, don’t even try to get out. Just stay and die.

Bubba: Since Alabama won the national championship, we pull for Alabama. If South Carolina won, we’d pull for South Carolina. If Clemson won, we’d pull for Clemson. We vote for the winners.

Blanche: He got mad at me because I bought a lamp in Atlanta and there wasn’t room for it on the plane. So I told them someone was just going to have to wait behind.

Bubba commented on my being a Clemson fan so I showed him my Clemson shorts underneath my Adidas pants.
Blanche: Now that’s what we need a picture of.
Me: Yes, that’d be great for my blog. Caption: Emily takes her pants off in front of Kristin’s grandfather.

After I’ve been yelling at my phone…
Blanche: I hate to tell you this dear, but that thing doesn’t have a brain.

My Old Kentucky Trailer Trash

Kentucky is just an absolutely marvelous state. When I was in college (the first time), we discussed in my Southern Politics class whether or not Kentucky should be considered a "southern state." As good southerners, the basis of our definition of a Southern State is they drink sweet tea and say things like "ya'll" and "ain't" and "over yunder."

My most recent Kentucky adventure began in a Wendy's in a town with about five restaurants, four of which were closed...at 7:00PM.

If I go to a Wendy's here in SC and I order a tea, there is no question about whether or not that baby is sweet. In South Carolina, if you order tea, it's automatically sweet. If you order unsweetened tea, you not only get a funny look from your server, but God cries. I don't care if you were born in Possum Kingdom, SC with a rebel flag birthmark on your butt...if you do not drink sweet tea, you have no soul. You may as well buy a cat and call it a day.

In Kentucky, when I ordered a tea, they had to ask me if I wanted sweet or unsweet tea. I just...stared.

Now, as someone who has grown up in a community that is not even a twinkle in a map-maker's eye, I know what white trash is. I know what rednecks are. I know what hillbillies are, and am a proud owner of a Carhart Camo coat. The thing is, in my opinion, our "kind" is contained to a certain area of the world. Yankees live in Yankeeville, surfers live in the water, hillbillies live in my house.

The next day, my aunt and I decided that we were going on a road trip to Cincinnati. Shame on me for doubting the mobility of the redneck population. I saw MULTIPLE PEOPLE in wife beaters and cut off shorts.

Oh, but no. Trashiness is not even restricted to the hillbilly population. I saw what would've otherwise been a very attractive man wearing a shirt that said "Vagitarian." I wanted to kick him repeatedly in his gonads. The other winner...good Lord. *sigh* He had a shirt with Grover, Big Bird, and Elmo wearing ghetto chains over a caption that said "Sesame Thug Life."

In all serious. If you or someone you love, know, or have seen once before own ANY clothes with children's characters dressed in DKNY...you need to read my post of suffocation and just take care of things immediately. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Ouch. As you can see, you touched a nerve, Kentucky.

Cliff Notes of the Future

Forgive the delay, cherubs. The reality in which I live wavers between periods of being internet accessible. There has, in fact, been a plethora of material in the past week. I probably spend more time trying to write down story ideas in the car than driving, talking on the phone, texting, painting my nails, putting on mascara, and changing CD's combined.

What can I say? There's a lot going on in my wee little head.

The past two weekends have been spent out of town. The first adventure mostly took place in a minivan from South Carolina to the Kentucky-Ohio border full of senior citizens. The second adventure took place with My Little Sparrow at the beach with her grandparents. The summation of the two adventures is: I love old people because they make for great material.

I don't really know where I was going with this. It doesn't make any sense for me to do one giant post of the 50 million things that have happened. So...yeah.

Can I Pay You In Sonic Mints?

I'm at yet another time in my life where I'm questioning everything. Why am I here...what is my purpose...should I be in school...do I want to teach filthy, heathen children who don't want to be in school anyway...why is school so expensive??

Then, I sat on this last question. Why IS college so expensive? Fortunately, during my first round of college, I was blessed with a full scholarship. I didn't have to pay a dime. But when I got out of school and the only job I could find was working in a corrupt, local government office betraying everything I stood for, I really felt the need to further my education. 

There was only one problem. Or, about 100,000 problems, each of them worth $1. THIS time, however, there are no scholarships. No freebies. 

Which got me thinking...

If you go walking down the back alley and ask some thug for some smack, he's going to give you the best stuff he's got. He's gonna tell you because you look really nice and smart, he's not even going to charge you for it. So you run off, get high, and feel like you can take on the world!! You can do a lot of things. at once!1 

You try to continue on with your life, but as the drugs wear off, you realize, oh crap, I need more!! 

So you go back to the thug. You say "look man. That stuff you gave me allowed me to see the world!! I can DOOOO things!! But I need more!!! Hit me up!!"

He's like "Oh yeah! you liked that? That's awesome!! That will be $20."

How is college any different?? You finish high school with good grades and some smug jerk at some nice university says you look really nice and seem really smart so you can go to school for free. You get an education and feel like you can actually make a difference in this crappy world. You graduate and realize that the piece of paper that says you have a Bachelor's Degree amounts to as much as the McDonald's receipt that's been wadded up in the floorboard of your car for a year and a half.

After much thought, you decide you are going to go back to school to get your graduate degree. After all, you're still the intelligent person you were...even MORE so now!! So you go to talk to a smug guy at a different nice school and tell him you want to go to school again because you're tired of being 26 years old, living at home, and living off of Cap'n Crunch, watered down milk, and dog food.

He says "sure!! We'd love to have you!! That will be $200,000."

I'll Sign Now

You know, when I was originally formulating this post in my mind, I thought that I would just look up quotes or conversations that those goonies on shows like Jersey Shore or Real Housewives said while they were being recorded. However, during my research, I started seizing because my IQ was falling at such a rapid pace.

The point I was going to make was that if dumb idiots like Snooki and SItuation and IDon'tKnowThese'TardNames can get their own show and be on Dancing with the Stars, WHY CAN'T i ?

The following is why Bestie and I should have our own freakin' television show:

Scene: One of my very best friends had a baby last week. Her in-laws are precious, but are much more well-to-do than I, had several conversations while Ashley was in recovery. Action!

Me: So Ash's in-laws were trying to decide which places they should go to lunch. I didn't recognize one restaurant they mentioned, so when they asked me for a good place to eat, I tried to think of the most expensive place I had eaten and it wasn't what they were looking for.
Bestie: What restaurants were they talking about?
Me: I don't know. Some places that started with "Cafe" and ended with a French word.
Bestie: Yeah. We eat at places that end in cafe.
Me: Like "Today, I had lunch at The Hospital Cafe." It'd be different if I said "Cafe Hospital."

Save a Tree, Write an Email

Dear AT&T, Bell South, Charter, Chase, Citibank, Direct TV, Dish Network, Discover Card, Mastercard, and Visa,

i'm not interested. Not only that, but I have never been  interested. Just because you send me five letters a week does not make me think "oh! Today's the day that I decide to open ANOTHER credit card!!"

Bugger off.

Sincerely,
The Student Who Wishes the Post Office Had a Spam Box

Stairway to Charleston

I hate the radio. Have I mentioned that?

I had a 300ish mile drive from Hell to Charleston today that I was really looking forward to. The usual roadtrip routine involves me picking out 6 random CDs that I haven't listened to in ages and reacquainting myself with some old tunes.

For some reason, I didn't think that would be necessary today...I mistakenly convinced myself that the RadioLand would grace me with its own unique and splendid soundtrack. I thought once I got out of range of my local stations, which are truly horrible, the tunes would be a-hoppin'.

Mistaken.

Radio sucks. I heard Rumor Has it six times, ten Justin Bieber songs, and discovered that about 60 miles outside of Charleston, a town has 5 stations playing some noise that is either a clowder of cats being slowly ripped apart or gospel music. Thus begun the headache.

I happened to have a few good CDs in the player already, so I decided to play a game called "How Many Times Can I Play Stairway to Heaven Between Here and Charleston?"

The answer is I don't know for two reasons. 1) I decided I wanted to try to sing like Bon Jovi. 2) I decided my attention would best be focused on driving through the hurricane.

I can't remember how I was going to end this. I'm wet down to my soul.